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Does anyone still come on here? Don't answer, Nika, I know you totally do. <3

I live in New York now and I still make music. I'm much more reachable at facebook.com/blackfootdiesel.

Aside from the ongoing effort to create the perfect band, I produce hip-hop beats now: myspace.com/beatsbymidnight

I party a lot and I know a really sweet girl.

That's your update, and if anyone replies, I'll consider doing it again. <3

Advancements in Literary Hysteria

The Dreadful Persistence of Superficiality
Revolving doors give to a welcoming breeze cooler than my own expression, an inaudible hum secretly muting the clicking of keys. All eyes on me, a smoother criminal than Motown could've imagined. My intentions, far from malice; synapses pointed to an equal exchange. Still, I'm met with glances wild and suggestions of protection removal, my only shield from future spills of light. I can feel their fearful stares, and what they perceive as holster disengagement is but an advance on cancerous concealment. Don't judge a book by its cover, most certainly not by its author. You'll turn the last page back with self-reprimanding surprise. Any seasoned psychologist can watch a grin turn from sincere to pretentious in the blink of a watchful, sullen eye. Your implausible ear-to-ear spread and quivering chirp doesn't fool the court. None but a sheep in wolf's clothing, a de-clawed cat with foggy vision. They're mistaking jetlag for jaundice, broken teeth for sharpened fangs. With the harsh snap of air collapsing into an empty space, I'll make my retreat. No, really, I couldn't stand more encouragement. I trade places with a starving bloodhound and never turn back to absorb the satisfaction of your jaws slung wide open like anxious bear traps... I was already prey today. Your bloodstream could've dealt without the lead, and as accounts quickly dwindle, recall that a lone individual could've held the persuasion you needed. I hope you treasured your very last breath and your final flight with discrimination. I could've saved you... you could've let me in.

Queen Nicotine of the Valley
Well I said this, and she said that, and I was like "whaaaat?" and she was like "yeah." This conversation is not for the weak of heart or the strong of mind. I saw the light before she went blind, she'll float while I'm drowning, but I'll be singing while she screams. Hollywood is conniving and not at all what it seems.
Dearest catatonic, I hope sex sells you well. You found your ticket to hell and the train is leaving. I woke up expecting to hold you and found myself letting go. Feed it to the tabloids. You were a piece of artistry to me, but got too much attention at the gallery... and now you're nothing but an irk of heart, no mother fucking work of art.
Slow down.
Take it easy now.
The conductor fell asleep at the controls and there's a curve ahead.
Dearest bubonic, I hate that money buys you well, because I can't afford this plague. I heard daddy hugged you way too much but didn't clean up the mess he made.
Los Angeles found their namesake but clipped her wings before she could fly away, and without a guardian angel to guide me, I just might die today. Maybe tomorrow. I wish she could feel this hollow. We met a moment too soon and connected when it was already too late.

Warfare: Live, from the Gutter
(About the Ammunition)

Something tells me that our efforts are futile,
my facial muscles ache from forcing this blue smile.
Devoid of pigment, this stranglehold's a figment of a sick imagination made real.
And as the color sinks down beneath skin so taught,
I'm seeing black and white flashbacks of the wars I've fought.
Retreat to the bunker to face off with the hunger for a comfortable bed and a home-cooked meal.
But this isn't about the ammunition, I could fire off shots all night.
It's a self-sacrificial act of contrition for the wrongs I can never make right.
The ammo's ready but a war cry is needed
and with these chains at my throat, I stand silent and defeated
I choke out a surrender with airways so slender, my white flag flies unseen.
My infantry bailed when the first shells exploded,
and when I reached for my gun, I could've sworn it was loaded
but the chamber holds blanks, I guess this is the thanks I get for positioning myself in-between my comrades and enemies,
discharged amenities lie on the ground like dysfunctional toys
In spite of the battle, I speak my death rattle
unheard beneath the din of artillery noise.
But this isn't about the ammunition,
the mortar doesn't phase me a bit.
I've taken my position in this suicide mission
and I've come too goddamned far to quit.
Finding solace in couch-cushions and tablescraps
Searching for treasure beneath red x's on fabled maps
The armada creedo simply doesn't hold true,
I know what I've been told, and I pass it on to you.
Life doesn't wait up and karma's a bitch
and though it shakes me to the core like an eternal nervous twitch
I'm coming to terms with the spoils of war
even though, long ago, I lost sight of what the fight was for.

Pride is Placed Before a Fall
...and when the world stops turning, I'll be there laughing loud at the splendor of it all. Shrieking and squealing and making a scene. Down we'll go, spiraling far out of orbit, reaching for hands to hold on to. The ones that fed as we bit down, squeezed as we pulled away. No one is thankful for grace anymore. No one considers their own Caesar-esque plight; that glimmering knife in your back was stolen from the place you sleep.
...and when the world starts burning, I'll sculpt a monument out of the ash, a reminder of what we've done. You're a part of it, and this life is in shambles but you'll never recognize. We're all blind to destruction, this mental corruption, this crime.
I'll spike my blood and poison every bite they take.
I'll sever my own last nerve just so no one else can get to it.
And then I'll rot away, decomposing gallantly, and everyone else will laugh, too. I hope you're all listening carefully, I hope you're all watching vigilantly.
I'm losing my mind.

Instability by Moonlight
I've been thinking about celestial bodies and the like, and how I wish I were one, because the distances between terrestrial counterparts leaves room for comfort I could use. My own private atmosphere of carbon monoxide and solitude. But there are figures in numbers too awful to count, their thoughts projected through dark, starry eyes in all-too-certain stanzas of separation. I can feel galactic spaces being bored through unapologetic flesh.
And when we meet face to face, I can tell that I'm not wanted here right now. Their whispers so deafening, their tongues are made of glass.
Cut me again. Leave a good scar for me to resent you by. I've been dining on fumes for too long; strike a match and ignite my passages. The North Star in my chest will guide you safely home. If you could teach me to breathe, I'd still yawn a blaze of glory upon the ground.
Last month I broke both of my legs on purpose and I walked for the first time. Next week I'm working on my spine just so I can stand up straight again. None of you will see me suffer, it's all in storage and I can handle the rent. What I'd give to find my agony drawn to the curb, ready to be dealt with(out).
They'll find me in a crater beneath the lunar foliage, exquisitely torn apart. I'll have a smile, a grin of singularity, and twilight in my gaze.
The satellites surrounding would envy my radiance but only gaze on from afar.
This is the beginning of my end.

Life update.

I'm moving to Los Angeles. I joined Fillmore East as drummer + vocalist (and I fuck with electronics now, too!) and we changed the name to Shut Up & Die. Fitting.

We got hooked up with Ginger Fish of Marilyn Manson fame and he's meeting with us and listening in to determine if he gets us on Mayhem Fest.

Ashley (Ohio, model girl for those who've tuned in previously) and I started dating again but it went sour. It sucks, but we're two different people now, and I think we're both kind of glad we found that out. :] Everything happens for a reason.

Thursday's brand new album is awesome.

Ours will be, too. :]

I'm gonna miss Florida a whole fucking lot. But not as much as I'll embrace California.
Here I cooooome. <333

Jul. 22nd, 2008

YAY! Today was our 13 month... YEAH I KNOW WHAT A LONG FUCKING TIME!

We went on a date to Chili's tonight and Katch came with me on her FIRST REAL DRUG DEAL! OMG!


I love my baby so much it's unbelievable.
Katch has been here for the past three days and it's been so fucking awesome! We got to spend the fourth of July together, and while it was kind of a bumpy day (Maggi sucks!), we got to watch fireworks (without kissing to make them appear... hehehe.) We've been into Starbucks enough times this weekend to pick up a paycheck, and we totally get that free drink star treatment.

This has been SO MUCH FUCKING FUN!!!!!!!!! =)

(yeah, so that was TOTALLY Katch on the last part. hehe.)

On our list of places we've gone together now are Lowes, Sears, Sebastian Inlet, the fountainy place at Royal Palm Pointe, and third base! just kidding. No such luck... hehehe.

One of the best parts of it is that metal is actually growing on Katch! Among her favorite bands are now Evergrey, Nonpoint, and Rage Against The Machine... we're making progress! Hehehe.

Comment and tell me how fucking jealous of us you are.

I just wanted to point out that


The past few days she's been here, things have been complete bliss, especially today. Today was probably the happiest we've ever been together, and that's REALLY exciting. :] I can only imagine what 2 years will be like... or five. heh.

Thank you so much for 365 incredible, fun-filled days, sweetheart! I LOVE YOU!

Jun. 5th, 2008

I'd also like to point something else out. Katch and I are both going through some horrendously hard times right now, and it's definitely taken its toll... what amazes me is that through all of this bullshit and all the crap I offer forth as a person, she hasn't up and left my ass right now... that right there stands as a testament to how amazing she is and just how real our love turned out to be.

There were a lot of doubters, and despite the fact that no one supported us, now everyone seems to be all for it. We have a lot more people on our side than before, and what that shows is that true love truly can change someone's opinion on a situation.

I'm just so happy to be a part of a relationship that can change minds. :]


We're closing in on a year, folks...

So fuck y'all who said we wouldn't last!

I still love Katch and she still loves me back... eat a dick! hah!

May. 29th, 2008

On day 14, I headed to Katch's early in the morning to spend the last hour or so with her. It was really hard to part with her once again, and I wanted to cry the whole time, but I kept a positive, happy front up just in case she started crying... we can't have two sobbing wrecks, I have to take care of my baby. I had originally planned on going to the airport, but there was no room in their car, so I ended up having to go home.

Pittsburgh hasn't been very fun for Katch so far and I feel terrible about it... deep down, I really want to sit there and bug her until she agrees to come back to Vero... the idea of not being able to spend our one-year together because of a cubicle job just tears me apart, but I understand she has to do it. At least she's cutting two weeks off of her stay in Pittsburgh so we can be together a little longer before Junior year. I just miss the summer.

<3 Too bad she's totally worth the wait.